Tag Archives: emotional

I should still be pregnant.


Elia is here. She’s made so much progress in a few days. She’s a week old tomorrow, I’ll post on that when I get the Drs update in the morning. It’s been a terrifying and intense week to say the least, filled with scary moments, brilliant bright spots and lessons in love that have taken my breath away.

In the last few days I am struggling to comprehend my situation, our situation. On bedrest I did not allow myself grief or negative thoughts. I thought only of her, how to keep Elia baking to give her the best chance possible. Through lots of positive thinking and energy flowing from multiple directions (thank you all for that) we made it as long as was safely possible. But now that she’s here and especially since she’s doing better I am struggling.

I am thrilled to be allowed up and home, but it breaks my heart in ways I cannot describe to leave her behind. I hate feeling like I am choosing between my children. I am sad to feel robbed of the last two months of pregnancy I’ll ever have. I miss having her with me in my belly, kicking and squirming around. I am lonely and heartsick without her. I didn’t love being pregnant but I was not ready to be done. My belly is already shrinking away. I thought I would celebrate this milestone but I find that I have no idea what to wear and am staring wistfully at other pregnant women. I had cute clothing I never got to wear. I had a great shape for a pregnant chick…now I feel loose, floppy and out of shape. I’m swelling tremendously thanks to a mix of hormones, being up from bedrest and so much IV fluids. I have the cankles I didn’t get in pregnancy. I am on a wild emotional roller coaster that o can’t control, sobbing uncontrollably many times a day, especially when we are apart.

I would do it all again in a heartbeat for her though. She is the most precious thing that has ever happened to me, a gift beyond compare and I can’t get enough of her. So we will endure. I’ll keep pumping milk for her every 2 hours, go without sleep, leave my precious son and beloved husband daily to help her grow and thrive. Hopefully we’ll all be home as a family together soon.